Dear Husband, I couldn't have done this without you.

I can't stress enough how important it is to have a good support system around you when giving birth, and after giving birth. My husband went through so much with me, but he is the one that kept me going. After nine months of housing a little human inside of me, I gave birth to my son Kai Maddox Mazur on December 19, 2017. He was a healthy eight pound, one ounce baby boy, delivered via emergency c-section, after an exhausting twenty-six hour labour.

When they first put Kai in my arms, the first thing I did was cry. Then I looked at him, and realised he looked exactly like me when I was first born. Oh, my, God.... I'm a mom now. He is really my son.

Being half drowsy from all of the drugs I was given for the c-section, and having my arms go numb, and losing my reflex to swallow, I told my husband and nurses to take Kai right away. They were concerned that I didn't want to hold him, but I made them realise that wasn't the case. They had given me so much anaesthesia, that I had lost feeling in my arms. I didn't want to drop my son. Not only that, the anaesthetic froze me all the way up to my throat, making me also lose my reflex to swallow. I was sent to the recovery room, where I was having a panic attack, because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Even though my vitals were all right, losing your reflex to swallow, makes you feel like someone is choking you. I thought to myself, please God, don't let me die, let me be with my son. After being given more medication to stop the effect of the anaesthetic, I was finally able to breathe, and right away, I told the nurses "I have to feed my son, bring me to my son".

I remember being wheeled on my hospital bed to the nursery, half asleep. I saw my husband waiting in the hallway for me, carrying our son, looking at me with a sign of relief on his face. I think he was happy to know that I was alive, and also... he had no clue what to do with Kai. I finally got to hold my son, and immediately started to breastfeed. All I could think was how much I loved this little baby already. Little did I know, how difficult it would be to manage a c-section recovery and nurture this baby.

No one tells you how painful the aftermath of a c-section is... a lot of people think a C-Section is the "easy way out". Let me tell you, the day after I gave birth, I felt so much pain where my incision was. I could hardly move, get out of bed or carry anything. The hard part was, I had to carry my son to breastfeed him, but the weight of him on my belly was causing me so much pain. I tried different positions to breastfeed, but the only position he liked was the cradle hold. If that wasn't enough, one day while I was feeding him, I looked down at my feet and saw how swollen they were. They looked like elephant feet. I got worried, so I asked the nurse what happened to my feet. She told me that usually after c-sections your feet get swollen from all of the fluids. She told me I had to drink a lot of water, and walk around. The problem was, it hurt so much to walk around. I spent 5 days at the hospital enduring all of this pain, and during the last day I was experiencing constipation. They sent me home, thinking all was good and well. I hadn't went to the bathroom for day, and at this point I was scared if I pushed, my incision would open. I had to drink prune juice, stool softeners, and still nothing. I was impacted. Let's just say, it was not pretty. My dad, God Bless him, had to help me. I think that whole experience was even more painful than labour. I was screaming in pain. Everything I was experiencing post birth was really not enjoyable.

First month was baby... what sleep? Pawel and I made a deal... we said, if we had a boy, he would be the one to change the first diaper, and if we had a girl, I would change the diaper. Well, he had the honours! My husband was and is still such a trooper when it comes to Kai. He would wake up at every feeding with me to help me because of my C-section. I would slowly position myself in bed to breastfeed, while my husband propped me up with the breastfeeding pillow, and took Kai from his bassinet to give to me to feed him. Champ. He made my post-surgery recovery so much easy... God bless him.

Postpartum depression was something I feared. My OBGYN wanted to make sure I had help available to me, since I have anxiety and have dealt with depression in the past. I was seeing a therapist for a few months during my pregnancy for anxiety, which helped me a lot going into the birth. I also saw her after. I did experience postpartum blues and anxiety. I think what triggered it was my whole post-delivery experience, and exhaustion. There were times I did not feel close to Kai, no matter how much I wanted to feel that bond. I just felt so miserable inside about how I delivered, and how much pain I went through.

My hormones, and body went out of wack! After a few months I developed severe Hives and Eczema and so did Kai. Dealing with his Eczema was probably the most challenging part of my first year with him. It was pretty severe. I felt so bad for him too, and guilty at the same time. My husband also went back to work at this time, so dealing with it alone was really challenging. I stopped breastfeeding at 6 months, because the antihistamines that I was on depleted my milk supply, and Kai was getting hungrier.

I finally caught a break in the summer of 2018, getting back into working out, and eating healthy. It took me awhile to recover from the surgery, and not feel pain in my abdomen. I was slowly getting myself back into some postpartum workouts, especially for c-sections to strengthen my core.

However, in December 2018, I was hit with another unfortunate event. I injured my back. Being the event planner that I am, and devoted mom to my son, I wanted him to have an awesome first birthday party. I always run on adrenaline, and sometimes that means, rushing. I lifted a few heavy cases of drinks at Costco, and that was it. A few days later, I felt all of my shoulder, neck, and upper back in pain. This was two weeks before his birthday party. By the time his party came, I was still in pain, but I still kept working hard, and hardly rested. Now, I am almost 6 months injured, having to see a chiropractor, osteopath, physiotherapist, my regular doctor, a rheumatologist, my gastroenterelogist, and constantly go for bloods and MRI scans. I am remission for Crohn's Disease, but because the pain in my joints and muscles have gone on too long, everyone wants to make sure it's not something autoimmune. I almost didn't make it to my wedding in Hawaii this past April 2019, because I couldn't even walk, or sit without being in so much pain. That's a whole other blog!

Can you say overwhelming? I could not do anything! I could not even do my duties as a mother... I felt helpless and depressed.

At one point, I told my husband, "I just don't want to live like this anymore, I feel like I don't have a purpose. I was still on maternity leave, I wasn't working, and I wasn't even able to cook, clean, take care of Kai, or do anything except for rest. I could not even exercise. The person that I am, I have a hard time just sitting around doing nothing.

My husband was not only my psychotherapist, he was my parenting partner, the house cleaner, the cook, the provider... he was literally everything. I could not thank him enough, everyday, for being my Super-Husband and our Super-Dad. Because of all of his sacrifice, dedication, hard work, and love for our family... I am in the recovery phase, getting better and better. We were able to make a 15 hour flight to Hawaii together with Kai, get married, and still go on adventures, even if I couldn't physically do the same things I loved to do there. What was the most important was having my family with me in paradise, all thanks to him believing in me. I also have to thank our parents for helping us during this time too...

What did I learn from all of my postpartum struggles?

1. Your birth plan should be no birth plan.

2. You will not sleep.

3. Your body will not be the same.

4. You will grow as a woman, in so many ways.

5. Having a child is one of the most sacrificial things a woman can do, with so much love.

6. Asking for help is OK, if not mandatory.

7. Take care of yourself, mama.

8. Allow yourself to rest and recover.

9. Have an amazing support system - props to all dads out there who hold it down for their families! (And of course, the grandparents).

10. There is not only light at the end of a tunnel, there is always a rainbow after it rains.

Pawel, you are not only my best friend, my husband, my son's father... you are our rock, and you've made all of my dreams come true. Life would not mean much without you in it. I love you so much.